I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
