god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
