Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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