So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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