I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
