You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
