I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My cat gives me a boner
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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