when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
