Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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