I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
