dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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