Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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