Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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