Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
