oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Oh god it's open bar.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
