Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
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