i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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