nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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