I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
