road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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