she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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