sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
