Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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