woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
