Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
