These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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