i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
