so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
