You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
