I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
