Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
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