Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I want to walk on stilts...naked
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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