I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
