"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
