she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Randomize
