Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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