The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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