I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
