Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
