She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I supernannyed him into submission
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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