Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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