Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
