I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
