i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize