who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
