she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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