never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Randomize
