Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
