I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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