my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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