I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
