My sheets look like a crime scene.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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