Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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