He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
