Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
