I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
