If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
