question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
