so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize