worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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