You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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