Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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